Wednesday, February 23, 2011

numb feeling again

wish id feel more right now. i keep getting upset over shit though. i have got way too much work right now at the moment. somehow im enjoying the social aspects of school without actually seeming to be doing any work (which is really not a good thing at all). fuck. i feel kinda insane. my dads convinced i need antidepressants which he calls "brain chemical stabilisers" to help my mental state. my response: fuck that shit. i refuse to go on his whole insane buzz trip. i am not in need of his drugs and would rather keep my sanity thenx very much. wtf! that guy is so messed. i really do seriously not understand him. he plans everything but never actually seems to do anything he plans. either he makes us do it or it just never gets followed through. verdict: i am not a guinaepig and this is really not the time for experimentation.. speaking of i probably shouldnt have decided to try getting really involved in school and related intellectual activities in my final year when i have the most work and should be focusing on that. which bring to mind the maths tutorial that i havent quite finished yet. should go do that now. hope i can hang on a few months longer

Monday, February 14, 2011

counseling as an alternative

spent a whole hour and a half today on anylising and developing my insight. apparently im not in denial(most of the time). i kinda gave up on my parents and trying to change all the complex shit that goes through their mind. theyre like rotten apples, attempting to spoil all the rest. or maybe picking up imagined disease from the rest. and i thought islam was about tolerance. apparently they're as bad as me when it comes to accepting the religion fully. they just go about it in a different way. okay a completely different way but still. i just feel like i wish they would wake up and see how all the selfish and insensitive things they do have fucked up things. not only me and but their relationship with me but with my siblings as well.

its just so wrong their entire outlook on life. although id love to say that ill be able to stand them for the next 7 years of my life its not looking as though it's going to be very possible. greatest concern is money though.i dont have any. ill need to work fucking hard for scholarships as well and even then they probably wont be full ones but some things better than nothing.

i just wanna get matric over with so i can get that slip of paper that says that ive have now achieved the right to have more options in the world than i had before i had that piece of paper.

i honestly do not trust myself to be a good parent.i dont think i really know how. and these things are supposed to come naturally but i dont trust myself not to suddenly have some kind of breakdown and where would that leave my kid? and i really wanna give any children i have(if i have them) a stable environment so they dont end up all fucked up with issues and things. give them love cos children need love and somewhere along the line someone forgot to give me love and now i sit and crave it because i dont know what to do with myself when i dont have it. and i have a constant fear of feeling as though im not loved. which might have something to do with the fact that my mother has told me that she cant protect me because she has to protect herself and be strong for herself. whatever happened to putting your child first? apparently she didnt think i was worth the pain. then wev got my dad whose love i've doubted since he told me he doesnt love me (i was 11). honestly i dont believe all the bullshit he tries to feed me. and ive been thrown away by both of them enough times to know that its pointless and hurtful to love them. which is really difficult to do since old habits die hard. and i know what a huge mistake trusting them is. so i try really hard not to. which i sometimes fail at miserably.

just want a baby that will love me unconditionally always cos i wont treat him fucked up and ill always be there. which i know is a bit irrational to expect of a baby. but maybe one day when im older. i just wanna be loved forever. on second thought maybe someone should keep the child away from me cos i dont feel as though what i am typing sounds all that healthy an environment for a young kid. maybe people like me shouldnt have kids. my parents definitly should not have had kids. was just a fucking recipe for disaster. and everyone knows how well the end result met the disastrous expectations.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

overcomplications

if i stopped fucking worrying about everything and just went with the flow maybe id be less insane. doubt it but anythings worth a shot in this regard. the less insane i am the better. if expression helps you deal with things and i express constantly id like to know why exactly im still not getting over all the things im supposedly dealing with. i feel like im writing to get things out but also so someone has a clue about what im thinking. i think its a human characteristic to nwant to be understood or cared about. i dont even understand me tho so to expect anyone else to do so is expecting a little much i think. im pretty self-obsessed ive noticed. but whatever. i think im allowed to talk bowt me on my own blog. ive done so many things i wish i hadnt and although i try not to regret i still feel as though i do sometimes so i try not to think about it but how do you learn from mistakes if you're denying you ever made them. you cant. plain hard truth is that im a selfish person, which i complain about but somehow dont appear to feel the need to do anything about which is probably a character flaw. then again im human and we are selfish creatures. except sometimes. i think i dont even make sense right now. im so confused. i was so sad i felt suicidal at one stage but i like myself t5oo much to take my life. how can you like yourself bt dislike yourself at the same time? its really confusing. im all torn inside out like an old sweater. get over it. that's what i have to do. and accept it. you can only have so many second chances before someone gives up on you. everyones given up on me. or at least i hope so. because to rely on me is just not very wise. and i warn everyone who comes near me that im not good and they shouldnt invest their energies in me. but no one ever bloody listens. its like they cant comprehend what i say beyond wanting to help. and i just dont know why they dont believe me when i say that im bad and should be avoided. from past experience i know that loving me is not a good idea. and im not putting myself down. im minipulative occassionally and use these concepts to get what i want and its sick. but right now i dont know how to get what i want. and i want to figure out an honest way to get it without the pretences cos im fuckin sick of all the lying. im so tired of lying. i know what i know. and its so difficult to tell the truth and not to just let people belive what they will. i dont even know if this post makes sense. but im so jealous of everyone in one way or another and i want things to be easy but lifes not easy and i cant just pretend that its going to get any easier. but i wish that i could protect people from me. everyone. cos im not one whos worth hurting for.
on a completely different note my ex-bestfriend reinstated me in that position and it was really sweet and i missed her. though she did make me earn it back and she does get pissed that i dont listen to her when she tries to give me advice on my current issues. she has resorted to giving me this look that irritates the fuck out of me but i know she means well. shes got a bf now. which is semi-annoying. i now understand how she felt about my relationship just as she now gets what i was thinking at the time of all the drama. we are doing reasonably well on the same page and i no longer resent her which is a fucking achievement. i knida love her actually.

on another point involving friends i've decided that i quite like the ones ive currently got.they take my mind off my drama mostly. or i can vent to them. i trust them. maybe i trust too easily which is another topic altogether i suppose but im trying to kick the habit of talking to every tom, dick and harry. its difficult. i think im programd to tell people what im feeling or some shit.

my dads mindfulness meditation is actually not as bad as i always thought it was. it relaxes me. maybe ill be a bhuddist but on second thought religion and the effort it requires dont seem to mean all that much nowadays. which is not necessarily a good thing. i still believe in God. and i dont think ill ever denounce being a muslim. i dont see a reason to. even if i dont practice it i feel like i can exist in the state i am in. ive been asked whether id change my name and become a christian. answer: no. i dont see why i have to. i like my name. and a friend and i were talking and happened to agree that just because you dont follow religion doesnt make your belief in God void of substance. He doesnt hate me. nor would He ever. i dont think. but i might possibly go to hell anyway. if you make the decisions you have to deal with the consequences. i wouldnt erase time

this is really long and ill save the rest for another day

Thursday, February 10, 2011

im tired

i am typing again. why? im not quite certain. school deadlines are killing me and i really sucks and i have an insane woman as my mentor. i deleted evryhing. its a new everything. ther's so much to do. i got my bio teacher as my mentor. not sure how well that's going to work out. guess you know everything anyway. so now im back to being just me - nothing special. definitly a truth the plug somehow cuagh fire (im just saying). either way im so tired. started ballet again. killer. i am very blissfully procrastinating addressing issues in my life (such as the fact that i might possibly be oing a lot worse than i think i am) but lets not dwell on the negaitve. i somehow managed to wrangle my way into going to my matric dance in a limo with all my friends. two of the worst conversations i ever had accomplished that. i was so seethingly enraged. those fucking people are such judging predjudices assholes! its a fucking wonder they can survive in society at all. they are the epitome of believers in the spots and stripes philosophy. which is fucking sick and disgusting and just makes me so fucking angry. i have absolutely no idea how they managed to make something as awesome (cough) as me. fuck i spell terribly. but in a few moments ill spellcheck it so if theres anyone who pays attenttion this they might actually have a chance of understanding this. good luck with this year cos god knows is fucking me backwards. yes eesa i started again. im keeping my head above water for now and just not thinking about all my fucking issues and challenges. anyway i feel as though im having an allergic reactiion to my insides rights now. i think i ate something funny. gosh.

ps: i tried to spellcheck it but i couldnt find spellcheck (shrug)