spent a whole hour and a half today on anylising and developing my insight. apparently im not in denial(most of the time). i kinda gave up on my parents and trying to change all the complex shit that goes through their mind. theyre like rotten apples, attempting to spoil all the rest. or maybe picking up imagined disease from the rest. and i thought islam was about tolerance. apparently they're as bad as me when it comes to accepting the religion fully. they just go about it in a different way. okay a completely different way but still. i just feel like i wish they would wake up and see how all the selfish and insensitive things they do have fucked up things. not only me and but their relationship with me but with my siblings as well.
its just so wrong their entire outlook on life. although id love to say that ill be able to stand them for the next 7 years of my life its not looking as though it's going to be very possible. greatest concern is money though.i dont have any. ill need to work fucking hard for scholarships as well and even then they probably wont be full ones but some things better than nothing.
i just wanna get matric over with so i can get that slip of paper that says that ive have now achieved the right to have more options in the world than i had before i had that piece of paper.
i honestly do not trust myself to be a good parent.i dont think i really know how. and these things are supposed to come naturally but i dont trust myself not to suddenly have some kind of breakdown and where would that leave my kid? and i really wanna give any children i have(if i have them) a stable environment so they dont end up all fucked up with issues and things. give them love cos children need love and somewhere along the line someone forgot to give me love and now i sit and crave it because i dont know what to do with myself when i dont have it. and i have a constant fear of feeling as though im not loved. which might have something to do with the fact that my mother has told me that she cant protect me because she has to protect herself and be strong for herself. whatever happened to putting your child first? apparently she didnt think i was worth the pain. then wev got my dad whose love i've doubted since he told me he doesnt love me (i was 11). honestly i dont believe all the bullshit he tries to feed me. and ive been thrown away by both of them enough times to know that its pointless and hurtful to love them. which is really difficult to do since old habits die hard. and i know what a huge mistake trusting them is. so i try really hard not to. which i sometimes fail at miserably.
just want a baby that will love me unconditionally always cos i wont treat him fucked up and ill always be there. which i know is a bit irrational to expect of a baby. but maybe one day when im older. i just wanna be loved forever. on second thought maybe someone should keep the child away from me cos i dont feel as though what i am typing sounds all that healthy an environment for a young kid. maybe people like me shouldnt have kids. my parents definitly should not have had kids. was just a fucking recipe for disaster. and everyone knows how well the end result met the disastrous expectations.