if i stopped fucking worrying about everything and just went with the flow maybe id be less insane. doubt it but anythings worth a shot in this regard. the less insane i am the better. if expression helps you deal with things and i express constantly id like to know why exactly im still not getting over all the things im supposedly dealing with. i feel like im writing to get things out but also so someone has a clue about what im thinking. i think its a human characteristic to nwant to be understood or cared about. i dont even understand me tho so to expect anyone else to do so is expecting a little much i think. im pretty self-obsessed ive noticed. but whatever. i think im allowed to talk bowt me on my own blog. ive done so many things i wish i hadnt and although i try not to regret i still feel as though i do sometimes so i try not to think about it but how do you learn from mistakes if you're denying you ever made them. you cant. plain hard truth is that im a selfish person, which i complain about but somehow dont appear to feel the need to do anything about which is probably a character flaw. then again im human and we are selfish creatures. except sometimes. i think i dont even make sense right now. im so confused. i was so sad i felt suicidal at one stage but i like myself t5oo much to take my life. how can you like yourself bt dislike yourself at the same time? its really confusing. im all torn inside out like an old sweater. get over it. that's what i have to do. and accept it. you can only have so many second chances before someone gives up on you. everyones given up on me. or at least i hope so. because to rely on me is just not very wise. and i warn everyone who comes near me that im not good and they shouldnt invest their energies in me. but no one ever bloody listens. its like they cant comprehend what i say beyond wanting to help. and i just dont know why they dont believe me when i say that im bad and should be avoided. from past experience i know that loving me is not a good idea. and im not putting myself down. im minipulative occassionally and use these concepts to get what i want and its sick. but right now i dont know how to get what i want. and i want to figure out an honest way to get it without the pretences cos im fuckin sick of all the lying. im so tired of lying. i know what i know. and its so difficult to tell the truth and not to just let people belive what they will. i dont even know if this post makes sense. but im so jealous of everyone in one way or another and i want things to be easy but lifes not easy and i cant just pretend that its going to get any easier. but i wish that i could protect people from me. everyone. cos im not one whos worth hurting for.
on a completely different note my ex-bestfriend reinstated me in that position and it was really sweet and i missed her. though she did make me earn it back and she does get pissed that i dont listen to her when she tries to give me advice on my current issues. she has resorted to giving me this look that irritates the fuck out of me but i know she means well. shes got a bf now. which is semi-annoying. i now understand how she felt about my relationship just as she now gets what i was thinking at the time of all the drama. we are doing reasonably well on the same page and i no longer resent her which is a fucking achievement. i knida love her actually.
on another point involving friends i've decided that i quite like the ones ive currently got.they take my mind off my drama mostly. or i can vent to them. i trust them. maybe i trust too easily which is another topic altogether i suppose but im trying to kick the habit of talking to every tom, dick and harry. its difficult. i think im programd to tell people what im feeling or some shit.
my dads mindfulness meditation is actually not as bad as i always thought it was. it relaxes me. maybe ill be a bhuddist but on second thought religion and the effort it requires dont seem to mean all that much nowadays. which is not necessarily a good thing. i still believe in God. and i dont think ill ever denounce being a muslim. i dont see a reason to. even if i dont practice it i feel like i can exist in the state i am in. ive been asked whether id change my name and become a christian. answer: no. i dont see why i have to. i like my name. and a friend and i were talking and happened to agree that just because you dont follow religion doesnt make your belief in God void of substance. He doesnt hate me. nor would He ever. i dont think. but i might possibly go to hell anyway. if you make the decisions you have to deal with the consequences. i wouldnt erase time
this is really long and ill save the rest for another day